The final will and testomony of the human race

Take observe that that is the Final Will and Testomony of the Human Race, dated 11.15.76339742 UGD, given freely and with out duress by our nominated leaders below Galactic Regulation DK1-MBP-159Ka.

We, the final remaining representatives of the Human Race, having been licensed Class J Sentient and due to this fact of sufficiently sound thoughts to specific a desire for the disposal of our remaining worlds and worldly items, do hereby bequeath our belongings as follows:

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars and their satellites, and the Asteroid Belt extending past Mars in the direction of Jupiter: we hand these properties to the Martians. We’re sorry we didn’t acknowledge your life types as sentient beings till we had rendered your property world nearly fully uninhabitable. Though it’s no excuse, we have been wanting solely for oxygen-breathing carbon-based life types. We received it unsuitable. We want you and your planet a robust restoration (or certainly, any restoration) and hope that, in time, it is possible for you to to evolve as stewards of the interior planets, with a extra accountable angle than ourselves. They’re extra lovely than we realized; after we realized, it was too late for us.

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and accompanying satellites: these have been beforehand bought to the Helium-3 Chilly Fusion Company to fund the navy growth of our Wonderful Human Empire. Effectively the end result there. How might now we have been so smug to assume that the Galaxy wouldn’t intervene as we began to beat our neighbours’ methods below the pretext of our personal safety? These belongings are naturally exterior the scope of it will.

Pluto, Planet X and satellites: sadly, possession was not too long ago misplaced when the undersigned turned a sufferer of the Zeta Leporis Diplomat Rip-off. There was no cash ready for us in a useless ambassador’s account. With that, our final probability to impose our will on any a part of this Galaxy has disappeared. On reflection, that’s no unhealthy factor.

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Outer Photo voltaic System objects (the Kuiper Belt Objects) and various Far Photo voltaic System gadgets (Oort Cloud objects, comets and so forth): we grant full possession, together with all working rights to the related Theme Parks and Experiences (nicely generally known as the 9,347th Marvel of the Trendy Galaxy), in perpetuity to the Intergalactic Leisure Company in trade for supply of 5,000 of the most recent specification von Neumann craft every Galactic Rotation. These are for use for the only function of guarding the Internal Photo voltaic System’s borders and neutralizing any undesirable trespassers. Let these remaining on this system dwell in peace, as we ourselves ought to have.

Sol: the star which gave us life is to be held in a charitable belief in binding perpetuity for the good thing about all remaining occupants of the Photo voltaic System.

Be aware: it’s an specific situation of this Will that each one our beneficiaries should conform to actively look after any remaining canines, cats, elephants and tardigrades, wherever and each time encountered — it wasn’t their fault.

The rest of our belongings exterior the Photo voltaic System (primarily consisting of Galactic Bitcredits and remotely traded Non-Fungible Tokens) are to be bought, and proceeds used to fund a Charitable Basis devoted to supporting newly detected sentient races and guiding them by that tough first 100 million years following their discovery by superior species. The prime aim of this basis is to make sure that all such races must be given copies of the most recent version of The Galactic Induction Handbook, a information that we ourselves would have discovered invaluable. We want we had seen a duplicate earlier than we naively blundered into the broader Galactic society; issues would have turned out very otherwise for us.

Signed

Emperor Karg 243rd (retired)

Species: Human

Handle: Epsilon Eridani Residence for the Imminently Extinct Races of the 5 Thousand Galaxies

Occupation: Previously Supreme Overlord of the All-Highly effective, All-Conquering Human Empire

Witnessed By

Witness 1: P@4374www9, informally generally known as ‘Pat’

Species: twenty fifth Stage AI, Bipedal Sensicare Mannequin C9P6e

Handle: Epsilon Eridani Residence for the Imminently Extinct Races of the 5 Thousand Galaxies

Occupation: Senior carer for small, low-risk oxygen-breathing sentients

Witness 2: RB367142ca34b, informally generally known as ‘Robbie’

Species: thirty second Stage AI, working on the QuantumCorp ExaComp™ Cloud Laptop Facility

Handle: AAA Wills and Probate Companies, Field 83A-765-4319J, Andromeda Galaxy

Occupation: Junior authorized specialist

Be aware

Filed on the Miscellaneous Minor Paperwork Archive, 61 Cygni. Rediscovered in GY97,348,422.107.43.22

Analysis Be aware: Based mostly on the archaic system coordinates for time and site specified within the doc, it has been decided that the aforementioned star (“Sol”) went nova approx. 3.7 billion years in the past. This occasion destroyed the planetary system described herein. A particles cloud stays in orbit across the remaining white dwarf. New planets appear to be forming, probably appropriate for improvement and use by class DC3A races. Except for this doc, nothing else is thought in regards to the self-styled “Human Race”, or their chief, Emperor Karg 243rd (or certainly, any of their leaders).

Memo

Grax — See above: I feel we are able to make a killing right here … No one has claimed this neighbourhood! Have a look and see how a lot it might value to spruce up. Nothing fancy, simply sweep out the particles, stabilize the brand new planetary orbits and I can consider a minimum of 10 races we might market this to, as a quiet trip spot. Simply don’t overlook to comb for any remaining von Neumann probes — we don’t need a repeat of the Orion catastrophe!

Regards

Xelp